OpinionOnline

These solutions should prevent millions of hours of totally useless discussion, thus freeing up our minds for satisfying and pleasant pursuits such as watching sports events or seeking culture, or whatever suits you. Also, it will also prevent friends from becoming enemies, uless they belong to the same compatible choir. Furthermore, it will save us many billions, if not trillions, of dollars, although this might send our economy into a depression because special interests wouldn’t be able to spend their money promoting totally useless industries which support some of these problems. So, let’s roll!

Global warming is a problem which causes much personal and international tension, and potentially devastating financial consequences if certain programs (you know what I am talking about.) are put into place. My solution: Outlaw clothes. Believe me, there will be clamoring for global warming after this is enacted. A nice side effect is that there will be much more to talk about in bars and around the water cooler.

Agriculture costs our government over $100 billion just to run the agriculture department. Part of that is the food stamp program, but with my solution we wouldn’t need the program. In addition to direct subsidies, costs are kept high by various techniques as tariffs, price supports, and many programs that only an economist probably knows about. The easy solution, of course is to disband the Department of Agriculture, eliminate all tariffs and eliminate all price controls. Thus, the cost of our food will drop drastically. Also, incidentally, we would be helping hundreds of thousands of third world farmers by not artificially competing with them. Thus, we would be raising the standards throughout the world. Here it is. Outlaw al existing legal farming in this country. (This would drastically cut pollution in this country also). Also, if we buy all our food from third would countries, the prices would be drastically reduced. (No more need of food stamps. Remember?) Last, all farmers will be forced to grow cannabis, thus giving them a very profitable source of export revenue. Also, they would be required to donate 17.9% of all their crops to U.S. citizens. This would make everybody very happy, thus considerably reducing the agita in this country. It might also have an effect on free love.

Healthcare has one of the easiest solutions. Healthcare is the source of much discussion, distorted politics, costs billions of dollars, causes complaints about pharmaceutical prices, insurance. Etc.and leaves many without adequate coverage. The fair thing to do in order to equalize healthcare and save hundreds of billions of dollars is to outlaw healthcare. Why try to fool Mother Nature? What do people gain from living a few extra years, with all their personal problems anyway. Nature will take its course as it has for hundreds of thousand years before the advent of healthcare. All hospitals would be converted to hostels, and medical personnel will become undertakers and morticians. This ties in with my agriculture solution because as you get sick, you will get free pot, thus easing your concerns.

Elections, a prime source of countrywide dissension, lying, distortions, fraud, intimidation and feuds is a top candidate for eliminating. As usual, the solution is simple, although we can’t eliminate the problem all together because we still will have to deal with primaries. After the primaries and the candidates have been selected from any legal party, then, we will have our solution. The election costs billions of dollars, and because of that the winning party will owe their supporters big, thus draining other billions from the government (read you), this solution is imperative. There would be no election. Rather, there will be a drawing of straws. The holder of the straws will be Dan Rather, but the drawing will be supervised by those two Nobel Peace Prize recipients, Carter and Arafat.

Education is a very serious problem. Besides our per pupil costs are among the highest among the developed countries, the results are among the lowest. Unions want us to throw good money after bad, thus we need this solution. All 7 years olds will be subjected to I.Q. tests. The results will be sorted by thirds. The top third will be tracked into college, and they would be expected to go. (Financing solutions to follow.)
The next or middle third would be tracked into the trades. That’s not shabby, because I know many trades people, restaurateurs, and entrepreneurs who earn very high incomes and are millionaires. Their education will stop at the end of high school. The lowest third would attend only through 8th grade, and they would obtain jobs at McDonalds, Wal-Marts, Burger Kings, movie house ticket takers, etc. As you can see, billions of dollars would be saved, and enormous pressure on students would be relieved. Now, to college financing. All private colleges would be confiscated and turned over to the states. One advantage if this would be to confiscate the billions of dollars in endowments, which don’t benefit students too much, but rather are hoarded and used to build foot ball stadiums, and other structures. As you know, State colleges ore relatively inexpensive, so the costs of higher education would be substantially reduced. An important part of this program is to offer every college attendee an optional total loan for the tuition and expenses. Those who don’t need the loan would pay cash. Those who take the loan would pay it off after graduation at a small monthly rate, no interest, until paid. Thus, every single college attendee would be able to attend. This system guarantees everyone an education, prevents all the free rides and is equitable for all participants.

Social security is an emotional issue, is the source of thousands of hours of political debate, and cost hundreds of billions of dollars. Most people live with a false sense of security, and partially depend on others (businesses) to provide payments for them for Social Security in retirement. People will have to learn to fend for themselves. The solution is to terminate Social Security. For every person born after the termination of future social security benefits, there will be no social security. This would terminate all discussion on how to “cure” social security and scare everybody for political reasons. Many politicians are promoting reductions of social security taxes for low earners. Well, we did it. When people realize that, they will work harder and smarter to save for their retirement. If they don’t have enough money, they will have to continue to work. During the changeover, businesses will continue to pay their social security tax in order to pay the existing obligations. People will revert to pre social security methods, such as families helping families, religious groups helping, and individuals themselves finding ways to lower their costs. Left over unused hospital units not used for hospices can be used for housing. In some parts of this country, you can buy a house for a few thousand dollars, also.

Well, there are more, but that’s enough for now. I am going to see if I can publish this in the Onion.